whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
