If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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