the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
