its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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