I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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