You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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