So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
