I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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