Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
