oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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