Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
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You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
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So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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