My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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