i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
