I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
