i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
