If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Even my vagina gasped.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
