Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm just crazy horny about you
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
