Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
