And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Couch. On fire.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
