if i can run in heels then i can drive
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
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If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
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Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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