Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
