I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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