...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
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The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
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WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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