Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Your penis caused this!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
