my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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