There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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