There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
