Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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