If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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