I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
