as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I still have a little drunk in my system
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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