i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
