He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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