Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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