Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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