so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
