end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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