Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
