My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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