but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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