I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
