I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
