dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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