I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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