People in love make me want to vomit
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
