You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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