I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
