Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
ttyl tear gas
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
