You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
