I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
