So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
