My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
