He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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