If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
